i love you and i miss you and i don’t want to be tired anymore. i cry too much. the roads home don’t look the same after dark, but i guess none of this is really home, anyway. i can’t stay in the same place for more than a year. i don’t know where i am without you. i am fine without you. i am walking and breathing and eating and sleeping and laughing without you.
i’m still lost, though.
i have gotten to know my silence so well.
(it is full of missing people.)
i know what i am supposed to say. i know what i should be telling myself. i have memorized all the rules, weeded out the cliches, picked apart every criterion against which i ought to be measuring our space. but when i am in this room, in this silence, and you have walked too far your own way, the feeling that i ought to be writing myself screaming becomes one i cannot shake. i know the lines of your back, i know your leaving so well—you’ve thrown me so many words in these past days. they taste like wadded paper in my mouth; i have wasted so much time swallowing your inanities. i am not a dog you can just pitch a bone to before your disappearing acts.
i should not have to repeat my paper rules again and again inside my head just so i can keep myself together just so i can talk to you like i am fine just so i can learn to speak empty as well as you. i am not fine today. i have checked the time nine times in the last five minutes. my ears are ringing from the pressure in my head. i am tired of being okay with being okay. moving is difficult. i have been stuffed full of your blown-up words—
but now, i am bursting.
i have just finished writing you a letter, and darling,
i think it is the loudest thing to ever come out of my body.
my ears are still ringing; i feel like the Liberty Bell today.
when you find me next, i hope it is by sound.
i hope you mistake the reverberations
for an earthquake in your chest, i hope it makes you believe
you are carrying the whole world inside your rib cage,
and maybe for a second, you will think the weight of these lands
is lighter than you expected. i hope it makes you want to run,
because, darling, there are so many continents inside of you
wanting to be learned. even the wildest places are just homes
wearing names you haven’t learned to pronounce yet.
what are you waiting for?
i miss you, but it doesn’t matter.
i could not tell you why i am sad.
it does not make sense.
an hour ago, i made a list of things to be happy about,
but i can’t recall a single one right now.
i don’t know
what i am thinking about.
the space behind
my collarbones aches when i cry.
an empty stomach is about
the size of a closed fist.
i can’t tell if the space between
us is full or empty.
moving feels like a bruise.
there are too many fists inside my stomach.
i’m trying to get out, but my fingertips don’t reach
the other side.
i can’t keep falling short.
(i can’t keep falling.)
I don’t have a lot of pretty words anymore.
Everything falls hard: hail splitting
almost as fast as they hit.
I’ve gone out some days
to try and collect the remains,
but the letters
that come out of my storms
only teach me silence and
I’ve started to avoid
This is how I tell you.
I buy well-worn cliches from consignment shops and string them together like the popcorn garlands I used to make with my mother in December. But it is summer, and there is nothing homemade about these flimsy, candy-floss quotes, so I do not give them to you. They are shoved into the drawer next to my desk, to live next to the collections of processed love poems and sugared films in which they were first found. I have a habit of hoarding these sorts of mass-produced thoughts—they never seem to take up too much space, until I realize there are entire factories in my voice box, and I can no longer hear myself speak.
I read your letter some time ago, on a slow morning, when I woke up to a silence in my head that felt more permanent than anything I had ever made for myself. You left it in scraps—sentences beneath tables, entire paragraphs on closet doors, laughter on the side of my refrigerator. I read your letter, and the silence that folded itself over me afterwards was your arms, warm around my rib cage. That silence, tattooed across my eardrums. I never wanted to listen to anything else.
When I was younger, I used to carry around other people’s love stories—my cheeks stuffed full of stolen jokes and grocery store kisses—I used to think having them with me meant I would always have something to say (real or not) if anyone ever asked me about my story. You did not ask me, though. You offered yours instead.
I am too many people right now. You say a conversation with me is like searching a crowd to figure out who is calling your name. I wish you did not have to look so hard to find me. (I wish I did not have to look so hard to find me.)
You will learn that most of me is made up of wrong turns and dead ends. These are places I will not hide from you. We are unfinished roads trying to make a city, and this is where our raw ends will meet.
I do not know when you will read this, but this is a piece, sorted or unsorted (I am still not sure), found beneath the flyers full of “I don’t know”s I have been handing out in place of confessions. I could not tell you what this is, but I know this is how I tell you.
I hope it’s enough.
it takes five weeks for skin cells to reach our surfaces,
and by then, they are already dead.
you told me once, that you were not in the business
of mapping out other people’s hearts.
instead you wrote guidebooks
to the trails of freckles running over nose bridges, the roads
carved by flesh kissing flesh, the laugh lines
that could be fault lines and lifelines all at once,
because those smiles were the only earthquakes
you wanted to feel bone-deep—lips shifted so fast
they broke plates and reset spines, and left you
looking for new grounds every time you got back up.
the skin is our largest organ, you wrote. it is three layers before
we bleed, and we only ever hold the deadest parts of us
out for all to see. each day is a million skin cells dropped
from a body—ghost touches free at last
to reunite with other people’s expired pieces.
they meet on lips and hands and over-worn t-shirts.
they run down drains. they dust the bookshelves
sagging on our walls.
you’ve come to the conclusion that this is our way of expanding,
the way the universe too, is always growing outwards.
we leave our old faces and used handshakes everywhere we go,
so that we can say we are more than the span of our two arms.
we are hangers full of loose ends, we are trillions.
this is the most contained we will ever be.
you could never understand how the heart became a fad,
why people spent their whole lives speculating about their insides,
when there was already so much to see on our new-dead skin
without having to split ourselves in two.
you could be right up against my ear, a wall of sound that tells me everything that lays beyond your pulse, and still i would feel as though you weren’t close enough. sometimes i cannot stand the thought of everyone stuck inside their own bodies, because you could send dozens of letters down daisy chains of people and never get the same words out. all i’ve ever done is watch for entries and exits, and maybe place bets on who’s coming back for the second act. people get lost too easily after they’ve left. on wikipedia, there is list of individuals who have lived at airports for more than one week. at the end of the page, it tells me to “see also, statelessness,” and i think it would not be so bad, to live like that. at least inside airports, they have signs telling everyone where they are and where they ought to be. it is a space built to house the displaced, a rest stop where we wait for the next. in everything else, we are left groping through the dark, tripping over people’s breaths and trying so hard to keep our own contained. we are walls of sound lined up in parallel, everyone hearing each other all at once, and not one able to do anything about it.
I am messy. My thoughts are dirty lingerie strewn across frowning bed sheets. I’ve lost metaphors in the middle of subway stations, and there are daydreams of mine spray-painted on the sides of buildings nobody looks at anymore. I’ve populated an entire town with disposable words. My home is a rest stop where missing things go before they disappear.
They tell me this is a hoarder heart. Every chamber is a landfill. My doctor thinks I am a heart attack waiting to happen. I tell him it is only a side effect to an addiction, and clearing you from my system all at once would probably kill me anyway. I could not say how you happened. I only know how it ends.
There are still stories of us, dried kisses pressed between books and first fights crumpled like paper fists, lingering like old news beside the door. They’ve been there for weeks—I’ve forgotten which day the garbage man comes. I wish I could cut myself out of my skin and let him take that too. I live in an abandoned house. My hands have not been washed in weeks; layers of grime cling to palms you once held.